Chaos’ first alarm goes off at 5:30 am. Lazily, the Lord of Chaos swats the snooze button, and continues to do so every 8 minutes until he’s finally ready to get out of bed at around 6:45. Mrs. Lord-Of-Chaos – the Dark Goddess Maitreya – will have been out of bed since 5:10, naturally. By the time the Mister is hauling his bronze, armor-plated body out of bed, she’s downstairs and in the middle of preparing breakfast for Chaos Jr. and Francis, the couple’s fraternal twin boys.
Chaos is in the shower by 7:05. The Lord of Chaos is a morning shower person, and takes his time in the scalding hot (mildly acidic) shower. This is how he wakes up. He’ll be in there at least a good 20 minutes – and Maitreya is completely through with trying to change that, so she makes sure she gets water for coffee and tea for breakfast well ahead of Chaos’ awakening.
Sometime after 7:20, the Lord of Chaos emerges from the shower. His towel is the large, beige-and-white striped one – no one in the Lord-Of-Chaos household is permitted to use it except for him. Chaos will occupy the bathroom for at least another ten minutes after showering, towelling himself dry and polishing his horns in front of the mirror (priding himself on his terrifying appearance, it’s only natural for the Lord of Chaos to take such intense care of his appearance). Dental hygiene, even to an immortal being that’s been banished to the farthest corner of the PWINM, is very important to the Lord of Chaos: he’ll brush and floss his flesh-rending fangs and check himself over in the mirror one final time before finally relinquishing the bathroom around 7:50.
When Chaos emerges, as he did on this particular morning where we join the story, breakfast will be set out and ready. Maitreya will be wearing her virgin-skin leather apron (wedding gift from Torak) as she sets out four table settings. The boys are, at this point, either waiting quite impatiently for their meal, or else are crowding into the bathroom (whereupon a fight almost always breaks out once the Lord of Chaos is finished with his morning routine). It so happens that this particular morning there was no battle to be had: Chaos Jr. was alone in the hallway waiting for dad to be done, while Francis had no such need (he’d wet the bed that night).
“Morning, Pop,” Francis said, as Maitreya spatulaed a bloody omelette onto his plate.
“GOOD MORNING, MY SON,” Chaos said, as he took his seat at the table. “BOY-CHILD! THE LORD OF CHAOS DEMANDS THAT YOU GO FORTH AND RETRIEVE THE PAPER FROM THE FRONT LAWN!!!”
“Sure thing!” Francis said, leaping from his chair and heading for the front door.
As her son left the room, Maitreya cast a glance over her shoulder, regarding Chaos thoughtfully. She smiled warmly.
“Big day for us,” Maitreya said, as she quickly washed and dried her hands, then took the seat next to Chaos at the breakfast table.
“IF YOU SAY SO,” Chaos said with a grumble, the sound akin to that of the presaging rumble of an imminent volcanic eruption. Maitreya sighed, and reached out, resting one of her frigid, icy-elemental hands on one of Chaos’ enormous talons.
“Now why do you always do that?” the Dark Goddess of Pain and Misery asked. “Whenever there’s something I find important, you always do your damnedest to shoot it down.”
“WOMAN!! YOU HAVE DARED TO MISINTERPRET THE WORDS OF CHAOS!!” Chaos said, doing his best to soothe his murderous and evil wife. “I HAVE VOICED MY DISPLEASURE ON THIS SUBJECT TO YOU BEFORE!! IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR DAY! YOU AND ME! THE LORD OF CHAOS, AND THE MRS. LORD-OF-CHAOS, AND ALL THE COUNTLESS MULTITUDES WE HAVE SLAIN, DURING THE ENTIRE EXPANSE OF OUR MOST UNHOLY UNION!! AND WHAT THE LORD OF CHAOS FAILS TO UNDERSTAND IS WHY YOU PERSIST IN YOUR DESIRE TO USE THIS OCCASSION TO BRING ABOUT A REJOINING OF THE OLD ALLIANCES…”
“… Soon it’ll have been twenty years since we all got tossed out of the mortal realm and dumped into this… suburban prison dimension,” Maitreya said, “And I happen to miss the ‘old alliances.’ What better occassion to bring them all back together than our 10th anniversary?.. our wedding was the last time we were all together in one place, you know.”
“YES, I REMEMBER!! DARE YOU SUGGEST THE LORD OF CHAOS’ MEMORY IS FAULTY!? I, WHO WAS ANCIENT WHEN THE FIRST SPIRES OF LIGHT INCREDULOUSLY PENETRATED THE DARKNESS! I, GREAT CHAOS, WHO DEIGNED TO TAKE ON PHYSICAL FORM FORM ONLY AFTER THE FIRST TERRIFIED MORTAL GAVE LIFE TO IT IN NIGHTMARISH REVELATION!! I WHO TOOK NAME ONLY AFTER WEAK AND FEARFUL MEN ABUSED THEIR GIFT OF SPEECH AND DARED TO GIVE IT BREATH!!”
Maitreya laughed and playfully punched Chaos in his horn-plated flank. “Just promise me you’ll play along, all right? These are my friends. And I haven’t gotten to do anything fun since we had the boys… what with all the cooking, and cleaning, and sacrificing mortal souls to power the boys’ time-accelerated aging, volunteering at the school…”
“YOU MENTION OUR OFFSPRING, AND IT CAUSES ME TO WONDER… WHERE IN THE DARK PLACES OF CREATION IS FRANCIS!?” Chaos said. “FRANCIS!!!” He called, his voice the thunderous boom of the horns heralding an apocalypse. Then, after a while, Chaos repeated the call, louder this time and with his balled fists shaking in the air: “FRANCIS!! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU REFUSED TO ANSWER A SUMMONS FROM THE LORD OF CHAOS!!! WHERE IS MY NEWSPAPER???”
“Just promise me, please?” Maitreya repeated her question.
“VERY WELL!! YOU SHALL NOW CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED WITH THE BLOOD-OATH OF THE LORD OF CHAOS, THAT HE SHALL KEEP THIS PLEDGE TO YOU, BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY,” Chaos said, as he stood up. “EXCUSE ME, MY TERRIBLE BUT BEAUTIFUL WIFE, I MUST GO NOW TO ENSURE THAT MY SON HAS NOT FAILED IN HIS APPOINTED TASK TO RETRIEVE THE MORNING PAPER!! THE LORD OF CHAOS SHALL RETURN!!!”