DOMESTIC CHAOS

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It might be considered a little gauche for any Kupopolis writer to openly claim that they, themselves, had written something that might be considered a Kupopolis classic; usually, one reserves that sort of acclamation for someone else to be the judge of. However, in the case of this series of posts, I find that “classic” is the only word I have to describe what I’ve created here. Of everything I left unfinished when the original boards first went down, this is the one thing I would like to go back and continue/bring and end to.

With that, I give you… Domestic Chaos.

2

::The Place Which Is No More::

A quaint house, on a quiet street. A well-trimmed lawn, and a minivan in the driveway.

This could be a suburb of Truce, or of Egmont. Pick a large city in the Core, put this neighborhood there, and yeah. You’d buy it, right?

Except look carefully at the mailbox down by the easement. It reads (in large, bold red lettering that may or may not be inked with blood): LORD-OF-CHAOS RESIDENCE.

That would explain the enormous, demonic-looking monstrosity in the XXXXXL-sized polo shirt mowing the lawn, now wouldn’t it?

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::Lord-Of-Chaos Residence::

Chaos’ first alarm goes off at 5:30 am. Lazily, the Lord of Chaos swats the snooze button, and continues to do so every 8 minutes until he’s finally ready to get out of bed at around 6:45. Mrs. Lord-Of-Chaos – the Dark Goddess Maitreya – will have been out of bed since 5:10, naturally. By the time the Mister is hauling his bronze, armor-plated body out of bed, she’s downstairs and in the middle of preparing breakfast for Chaos Jr. and Francis, the couple’s fraternal twin boys.

Chaos is in the shower by 7:05. The Lord of Chaos is a morning shower person, and takes his time in the scalding hot (mildly acidic) shower. This is how he wakes up. He’ll be in there at least a good 20 minutes – and Maitreya is completely through with trying to change that, so she makes sure she gets water for coffee and tea for breakfast well ahead of Chaos’ awakening.

Sometime after 7:20, the Lord of Chaos emerges from the shower. His towel is the large, beige-and-white striped one – no one in the Lord-Of-Chaos household is permitted to use it except for him. Chaos will occupy the bathroom for at least another ten minutes after showering, towelling himself dry and polishing his horns in front of the mirror (priding himself on his terrifying appearance, it’s only natural for the Lord of Chaos to take such intense care of his appearance). Dental hygiene, even to an immortal being that’s been banished to the farthest corner of the PWINM, is very important to the Lord of Chaos: he’ll brush and floss his flesh-rending fangs and check himself over in the mirror one final time before finally relinquishing the bathroom around 7:50.

When Chaos emerges, as he did on this particular morning where we join the story, breakfast will be set out and ready. Maitreya will be wearing her virgin-skin leather apron (wedding gift from Torak) as she sets out four table settings. The boys are, at this point, either waiting quite impatiently for their meal, or else are crowding into the bathroom (whereupon a fight almost always breaks out once the Lord of Chaos is finished with his morning routine). It so happens that this particular morning there was no battle to be had: Chaos Jr. was alone in the hallway waiting for dad to be done, while Francis had no such need (he’d wet the bed that night).

“Morning, Pop,” Francis said, as Maitreya spatulaed a bloody omelette onto his plate.

“GOOD MORNING, MY SON,” Chaos said, as he took his seat at the table. “BOY-CHILD! THE LORD OF CHAOS DEMANDS THAT YOU GO FORTH AND RETRIEVE THE PAPER FROM THE FRONT LAWN!!!”

“Sure thing!” Francis said, leaping from his chair and heading for the front door.

As her son left the room, Maitreya cast a glance over her shoulder, regarding Chaos thoughtfully. She smiled warmly.

“Big day for us,” Maitreya said, as she quickly washed and dried her hands, then took the seat next to Chaos at the breakfast table.

“IF YOU SAY SO,” Chaos said with a grumble, the sound akin to that of the presaging rumble of an imminent volcanic eruption. Maitreya sighed, and reached out, resting one of her frigid, icy-elemental hands on one of Chaos’ enormous talons.

“Now why do you always do that?” the Dark Goddess of Pain and Misery asked. “Whenever there’s something I find important, you always do your damnedest to shoot it down.”

“WOMAN!! YOU HAVE DARED TO MISINTERPRET THE WORDS OF CHAOS!!” Chaos said, doing his best to soothe his murderous and evil wife. “I HAVE VOICED MY DISPLEASURE ON THIS SUBJECT TO YOU BEFORE!! IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR DAY! YOU AND ME! THE LORD OF CHAOS, AND THE MRS. LORD-OF-CHAOS, AND ALL THE COUNTLESS MULTITUDES WE HAVE SLAIN, DURING THE ENTIRE EXPANSE OF OUR MOST UNHOLY UNION!! AND WHAT THE LORD OF CHAOS FAILS TO UNDERSTAND IS WHY YOU PERSIST IN YOUR DESIRE TO USE THIS OCCASSION TO BRING ABOUT A REJOINING OF THE OLD ALLIANCES…”

“… Soon it’ll have been twenty years since we all got tossed out of the mortal realm and dumped into this… suburban prison dimension,” Maitreya said, “And I happen to miss the ‘old alliances.’ What better occassion to bring them all back together than our 10th anniversary?.. our wedding was the last time we were all together in one place, you know.”

“YES, I REMEMBER!! DARE YOU SUGGEST THE LORD OF CHAOS’ MEMORY IS FAULTY!? I, WHO WAS ANCIENT WHEN THE FIRST SPIRES OF LIGHT INCREDULOUSLY PENETRATED THE DARKNESS! I, GREAT CHAOS, WHO DEIGNED TO TAKE ON PHYSICAL FORM FORM ONLY AFTER THE FIRST TERRIFIED MORTAL GAVE LIFE TO IT IN NIGHTMARISH REVELATION!! I WHO TOOK NAME ONLY AFTER WEAK AND FEARFUL MEN ABUSED THEIR GIFT OF SPEECH AND DARED TO GIVE IT BREATH!!”

Maitreya laughed and playfully punched Chaos in his horn-plated flank. “Just promise me you’ll play along, all right? These are my friends. And I haven’t gotten to do anything fun since we had the boys… what with all the cooking, and cleaning, and sacrificing mortal souls to power the boys’ time-accelerated aging, volunteering at the school…”

“YOU MENTION OUR OFFSPRING, AND IT CAUSES ME TO WONDER… WHERE IN THE DARK PLACES OF CREATION IS FRANCIS!?” Chaos said. “FRANCIS!!!” He called, his voice the thunderous boom of the horns heralding an apocalypse. Then, after a while, Chaos repeated the call, louder this time and with his balled fists shaking in the air: “FRANCIS!! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU REFUSED TO ANSWER A SUMMONS FROM THE LORD OF CHAOS!!! WHERE IS MY NEWSPAPER???”

“Just promise me, please?” Maitreya repeated her question.

“VERY WELL!! YOU SHALL NOW CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED WITH THE BLOOD-OATH OF THE LORD OF CHAOS, THAT HE SHALL KEEP THIS PLEDGE TO YOU, BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY,” Chaos said, as he stood up. “EXCUSE ME, MY TERRIBLE BUT BEAUTIFUL WIFE, I MUST GO NOW TO ENSURE THAT MY SON HAS NOT FAILED IN HIS APPOINTED TASK TO RETRIEVE THE MORNING PAPER!! THE LORD OF CHAOS SHALL RETURN!!!”

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::The Front Lawn::

All told, Chaos couldn’t really complain about his life. Sure, given the choice, he’d much rather have his side as the winners in the Great War, leaving himself and the other Dark Gods to rule over the Web of Worlds as Cruel and Wicked Taskmasters, the masses of humankind and all other numbers of mortals slaves to their evil whims… but married life was actually treating Chaos rather well. In fact, considering the terrible things he and the Dark Gods had done during the war, this was a rather decent outcome.

Of course, the one downside Chaos could think of was that you can’t always pick your neighbors.

“Hey Chaos, how’s it goin?”

Chaos looked up from watering his lawn. “WHO DARES TO INVOKE THE NAME OF THE LORD OF CHAOS!?-- OH. IT IS ONLY YOU, XAGOR,” Chaos said, spitting a viscous wad of flaming acid off to the side. “THE LORD OF CHAOS IS NOT AS EXCITED AS HE COULD HAVE BEEN.”

Xagor, styled the Manipulator of Time, was a large slimy orb, with masses of tentacles and pseudopods extending from his body at all angles. Xagor had moved into the house nextdoor to the Lord-of-Chaos residence a couple years back, after the Neo-Emperor had packed up his family and relocated over to the other side of the 'burbs. Chaos had always found the Manipulator of Time somewhat annoying, and had even at times been a little jealous of him; he belonged to the same ancient pantheon that Maitreya belonged to, but was never admitted to the fraternity of the Dark Gods (on account of Thanatos and Torak thought he was sort of a dick).

Xagor leaned over the fence and examined the Lord of Chaos’ lawn. “Lookin’ real good there, neighbor,” Xagor said. “Nice and… green, and grass-like.”

“IN ALL OF YOUR IMPERTINENCE, I TRUST YOU HAVE NOW SEEN JUST HOW MISTAKEN YOU WERE TO DOUBT THE LAWN-CARE SKILLS OF THE LORD OF CHAOS,” Chaos said. “ARE YOU NOW FINISHED SPEAKING TO THE LORD OF CHAOS? WILL YOU, UH… GO BACK TO YOUR SIDE OF THE FENCE AGAIN, TO FOREVER LEAVE THE LORD OF CHAOS IN PEACE?”

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there, Chaos old chum,” Xagor said, “Why so hostile? Say listen, now that you mention it, Paula and I had Maitreya over the other day and she told us about this little get-together you’ve all got going on…”

“… THE LORD OF CHAOS DID NOT MENTION THIS,” Chaos said, but Xagor would not be interrupted:

“… Anyway, turns out we’re free after all and Maitreya said she thought it’d be great for me to drop by and catch up with all the old Dark Gods again – you know, jump start the career and all of that…”

Chaos rolled his eyes. Either Xagor was lying, or Maitreya had actually invited him. Sadly, the latter was the more likely.

“… I was just wondering if you knew if Thanatos had RSVP’d yet. Because I sent him my resume recently – I’ve been hearing talk about a big comeback from the Big T for a while now, you know – but I never heard back. Thought it’d be a great opportunity to get in on the ground floor, you know. Sure would suck to get in on the Second Great War after the party’s already started!”

“I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,” Chaos said. “YOU MUST NOW STOP DISTRACTING THE LORD OF CHAOS FROM HIS HOSING OF THE GRASS!!! OR ELSE THE GRASS WILL NOT GET HOSED, AND ALL OF MY PLANS WILL BE FOR NAUGHT!!! PLEASE CEASE SPEAKING TO THE LORD OF CHAOS NOW!”

“Oh sure thing buddy. But hey, you know, it’s like I told Maitreya: you want your lawn done right, but who has the time for all that upkeep? You should use my lawn guy, comes by every Wednesday. Name’s Azrael, tall guy, carries a scythe. Works real cheap, I could hook you up if you like.”

“THE LORD OF CHAOS DEMANDS SILENCE!!!” Chaos shouted.

5

::The Kitchen::

Returning from taking care of his lawn, Chaos finds Maitreya in the kitchen, where she is cracking her whip against her slaves’ backs, directing them in preparing a feast of human body parts for the anniversary dinner that evening.

“Chaos, dear, would you mind taking the boys and going down to the Public Hall to make sure everything’s ready there? I sent one of my handmaidens earlier, but you know how easily distracted the Lamia can be…”

“THE LORD OF CHAOS WILL CONSIDER YOUR REQUEST,” Chaos said, as he enfolded his terrifying form in his massive, shadowy demonic wings. “BUT FIRST, I HAVE A MATTER I MUST DISCUSS WITH YOU – FOR IT APPEARS THAT THE LORD OF CHAOS HAS BEEN BETRAYED!!!”

“Darling, not now… can’t you see I’m cooking?” said Maitreya, as she flung out her barbed whip and caught one of her slaves around the neck. The slave – who was clearly botching Maitreya’s recipe – gasped and sputtered, as the Dark Goddess yanked to tighten the whip’s coils around the hapless mortal’s throat.

“DID YOU, OR DID YOU NOT, EXTEND AN INVITATION TO OUR ANNIVERSARY GALA TO OUR NEIGHBOR, XAGOR THE MANIPULATOR OF TIME – KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THE LORD OF CHAOS THINKS HE IS A DICK!?”

Maitreya sighed. “This again, Chaos?.. Look, yes, I invited him. He and I have history! You know that.”

“AND YOU KNOW THAT HE IS A DICK!!!”

“He’s our neighbor. We know all the same people. He’d find out he wasn’t invited and then he’d be hurt, or insulted.”

“THIS DOES NOT LESSEN MY WRATH!!”

With a snap, Maitreya yanked on her whip again, severing the grappled slave’s head from his body. With a gesture, the Dark Goddess directed the other slaves to dump the head and body into the simmering pot of stew. “Why do you always do this? I really wish you wouldn’t make such a big deal out of Xagor, and would instead go and make sure the Hall is ready.”

“THE LORD OF CHAOS SHALL NOT FORGET THIS GRIEVOUS INSULT,” Chaos said, extending his arm and pointing a clawed finger in Maitreya’s direction. “YOU HAVE ACTED WITHOUT MY UNHOLY SANCTION… AND YOU SHALL LEARN, WOMAN, THAT TO DO SO COMES WITH CONSEQUENCES THAT SHALL NOT BE AVOIDED!!”

“The way I see it, you owe me one. I mean, I didn’t say a word when you insisted on spelling your name with an ‘X’ on the invitations that went out.”

Chaos paused. “… THAT IS HOW IT IS SPELLED,” he said, innocently.

“Not when I first met you, it wasn’t,” Maitreya said.

“I AM OLDER THAN THE COSMOS!!!” Chaos said, spreading his wings and arms in a flourish, “WHEN THE BREATH OF THE UNIVERSE FIRST UTTERED MY DARK APPELLATION, IT WAS IN A TONGUE SO FOUL AND ANCIENT THAT MORTALS OF THE PRESENT DAY HAVE ONLY TO HOPE THAT THEIR DEGENERATE SPEECH MAY APPROXIMATE THE FRIGHTFUL NAME OF THE LORD OF CHAOS – THAT IN SO DOING THEY MIGHT BETTER BEG HIM TO SPARE THEIR INSIGNIFICANT AND FLEETING LIVES!!”

“Uh huh, sure,” Maitreya said. “And Torak invented the Common tongue… speaking of which, clearly you only started spelling your name with an ‘X’ because Torak changed the spelling of his name. As if nobody would notice that.”

“YOU DARE TO INSULT THE BLOOD GOD TAUROCH, DARK BROTHER TO THE LORD OF CHAOS AND ONE AMONG THE MOST UNHOLY TRIUMVIRATE OF THE DARK GODS!?”

“You mean the little boys’ club you, Thanatos and Torak set up back in the day?”

“… YES,” Chaos said. Then, with a crash of thunder: “THE LORD OF CHAOS THIRSTS!!! DO WE HAVE ANY SUNNY DELIGHT IN THE REFRIGERATOR!!!”

6

::The Neighborhood::

With Maitreya, Chaos had two sons: fraternal twins, called Chaos Jr. and Francis. Chaos Jr. (or CJ, as he sometimes was called by his friends) had grown into a tower of a young god, nearly as tall as his father at an impressive 12 feet. He was thickly built, hairless, with skin the color and consistency of stone and eyes that burned with the steady glow of magma.

Francis, on the other hand, appeared almost human, with his red-brown hair, cut short, and always with the wearing of sweater-vests (which his mom said made him look quite handsome).

“Shouldn’t we be in school?” Francis asked, as he followed along with his father and brother on their way to the large Public Hall at the center of their neighborhood.

“YOUR MOTHER, THE DARK AND TERRIBLE GODDESS MAITREYA, MISTRESS OF PAIN AND MISERY, KNOWER OF THE SPELLS AERO, STENCH AND CYCLONE, HAS CALLED YOUR PLACE OF LEARNING AND SECURED FOR YOU AN EXCUSED ABSENCE,” Chaos explained. “AND THIS, CHILDREN, IS AS THE LORD OF CHAOS HAS WILLED IT!!!”

“I don’t get why we can’t be in school,” Chaos Jr. said. “It’s not our anniversary.”

Chaos spread his wings, rose a few feet in the air and unleashed a wave of lightning energy upon Chaos Jr. “UNGRATEFUL WORM!! THE LORD OF CHAOS SHOULD UNMAKE YOU FOR SUCH LACK OF DEFERENCE!! WITH BUT A WORD I SHALL MAKE THE HEAVENS WEEP, AND YOU SHALL REGRET THAT YOU EVER CONCEIVED OF ADOPTING SO IMPUDENT A STANCE BEFORE MY WRATH!!! YOU SHALL OBEY THE UNPARALLELED TERROR THAT IS MAITREYA – YOUR MOTHER – FOR IT IS BY HER WICKED GRACE ALONE THAT YOU NOW HAVE A CHANCE OF SURVIVING MY TERRIBLE AND UNHOLY FUROR!!!”

CJ stood, shakily, rubbing his face where the lightning bolt had struck him.

Francis laughed and pointed at Chaos Jr., taunting him with: “Dude, you totally just got hit with dad’s wrath.”

“Shut up douchebag,” Chaos Jr. said, as he and his brother entered into a slapfight.

“IT SO HAPPENS THAT THE LORD OF CHAOS MAY YET HAVE SOME USE FOR YOU, BOYS,” Chaos said, “FOR IN PREPARING THE PUBLIC HALL FOR THE GRAND GALA – AN EVENT WHICH HAS BEEN LONG IN PLANNING – I ANTICIPATE THAT THERE MAY BE SOMETHING WHICH RUNS AFOUL OF MY SCHEMES. SUCH AS, PERHAPS, LAZY OR INCOMPETENT SERVANTS… OR A BAND OF 3-TO-6, POSSIBLY MORE HEROES, SET ON FOILING THE MACHINATIONS OF THE LORD OF CHAOS. IN SUCH AN EVENT I WILL REQUIRE YOUR AID, MY CHILDREN: EITHER TO VANQUISH THE INTERLOPING DO-GOODERS WHO WOULD DARE TO INTERCEDE AGAINST THE WILL OF CHAOS, OR TO LIFT AND MOVE THINGS AND GENERALLY GET THE PUBLIC HALL IN ORDER, MAYBE TO HELP FILL BALLOONS OR HANG DECORATIONS. THINGS OF THIS NATURE.”

The boys were still slap fighting.

“ENOUGH!!” Chaos said, as he grabbed his children one in each hand and held them aloft, “IT IS NOT MY WISH THAT THE SONS OF CHAOS FIGHT AMONGST EACH OTHER!!”

Casting his sons down before him, Chaos flourished his wings.

“COME, MEWLING SYCOPHANTS,” he said, with a sweep of his hand as he continued his march along the sidewalk, “YOUR DESTINY LIES JUST AHEAD, FOR WITHIN THE PUBLIC HALL THERE ARE HELIUM TANKS SET FOR THE PREPARATION OF HUNDREDS OF BALLOONS! JUST AS THE PROPHECIES FORETOLD!”

((sadly, this is where Domestic Chaos ended, as life in the real world intervened and I never returned to tell the rest of this hauntingly beautiful story…))

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Chaos is my new favorite.